a consequence¶

I'm sincerely hoping this is a consequence of still recovering from pneumonia, but my brain is alarmingly quiet these days. The second, third, fourth, etc. streams of consciousness, usually constantly chattering and considering things are just... not there? Like, my brain is usually a deliberative body, where external stimuli and internal resolutions are considered and debated across multiple subcommittees until draft proposals can be brought before the committee of the whole, where I can consciously consider things. Obviously those processes go on inside everyone's minds, subconsciously, at all times. You usually just automatically ignore it, unless you're actively trying to think about your thinking. But I definitely think about my thinking a lot, and I can hear those debates constantly. To be clear, this isn't exactly something that's an unqualified good. It's what allows me to have 500 theses brewing at all times, but also what keeps me from actually WRITING any of it down coherently. I think ADHD meds might help me resolve those debates in a timely manner. But right now, my typical issue is inverted. I can't summon up the chatter at all. I don't exactly feel like I'm in a fugue state, I just feel... normal? Like I don't have anything groundbreaking to share. I can still carry on a conversation obviously. It's hard to describe this without sounding haughty, like "Ohhhh I'm usually such a profound genius of unique insight and right now I'm just a normie."

I don't really think there's a dichotomy between "genius vs. normie," and insight really does come out of diverse thoughts. But I do think my particular skill comes in the form of synthesis, pulling together those diverse insights, distilling them into a compelling narrative, and sharing them with others.

I'm really hoping the quietude in my brain is temporary. Because I have so much more to share.